Sheila Heti’s older book How Should a Person Be? seems a more apt title for her most recent work Motherhood because it’s basically just a woman debating how she should live her life. This is the first book by her that I’ve ever read, so perhaps this is how most of her writing comes across, but I found these particular pages filled with philosophical meanderings, self-involved observations and well-phrased quips that are sure to stay with me for many weeks to come.
Not much happens other than intense introspection and analyzing of the narrator’s life and her partner Miles. Occasionally we hear about a specific trip the narrator may take, a dinner she has with friends, a trip to the doctor, but we mainly live in her head. She is completely absorbed with the question of whether to have a child. And it doesn’t help that Miles has a daughter with another woman while claiming he is completely ambivalent about whether to have another child (but based on the narrator’s relaying of his side of their conversations, he seems quite happy to never have another kid). One of his gems:
“Of course raising children is a lot of hard work, but I don’t see why it’s supposed to be so virtuous to do work that you created for yourself out of purely your own self-interest. It’s like someone who digs a big hole in the middle of a busy intersection, and then starts filling it up again, and proclaims: Filling up this hole is the most important thing in the world I could be doing right now” (p. 193).
I don’t doubt that many parents will read this book and cringe, or as some women have told me, throw it across the room. I found it provocative for sure, but I also agreed with many of the statements, even if they seemed derogatory towards parents. Heti is painfully honest in her writing, but I really admire that because I know this is a conversation that many women have in their heads (or with their friends) but are too embarrassed to admit it publicly. Imagine writing this in a book, published internationally, for all the world to see! And now it’s a bestseller, having been shortlisted for the Scotiabank Giller Prize, so she had to read it in front of large audiences all across Canada too.
I didn’t really like the fact that we only heard from one person’s perspective, and although that’s the point of the book, I found it tedious to read. She also freely admits to being extremely hormonal around certain times of the month, so in some ways, she was an ‘unreliable’ narrator that we so frequently come across in modern day thrillers, making it difficult for me to believe the conversations she relayed. Because all the back and forth was written by her alone, we were never able to draw our own conclusions about anything.
The subject of motherhood is so exhaustively explored in this book, so I was hoping Heti would address the fact that this is a choice that many women do not have the luxury of making. Abortion is dealt with quickly in one short section of the writing, but what about the women who live in a culture that forces motherhood upon them? In the western world, motherhood is (for the most part) a decision, but many women around the world have little choice in the matter.
This isn’t so much a book to enjoy, as it is to read and ponder well after you finish the last page. It will inspire much-needed conversations about how we view women who purposely decide to not have children, and how women arrive at that decision.
I hadn’t heard about this book. Your review is very interesting to me. I think motherhood is a subject that will be forever dissected, debated and argued for and against. I personally love being a mother and didn’t go into any intense self-discussions to help me decide to be one. And some women want only to be mothers, but can’t. But when a culture forces women to become mothers, that’s a different story.
I’m glad I brought this book to your attention! It’s well worth a read because it will elicit such amazing discussion and introspection, regardless of where you stand on the subject.
Sounds really thought-provoking! It would probably make an excellent book group choice. I’ve never read Heti before.
I’m not sure I love Heti’s writing style, but the topic and content of this book is definitely ripe for discussion LOL
I’ve actually met Sheila Heti. She drew my ear. Yes, I have pics because it happened. I met her back when she had ONE book published, a little tiny thing from McSweeney’s way back in the day. Each book has an individual sticker put on the cover, and someone has drawn on the sticker with a sharpie. I learned that Heti had a book party with her friends during which the stickers and drawings happened. Now all the books are republished and uniform. I liked this book. I read her second book, which is fiction, and found it insufferably boring. I read a memoir that she co-wrote with her friend called The Chairs are Where the People Go and found it insufferably self-absorbed. She’s only written about herself since. In fact, she has THREE books about “how to live” according to her and her friends — who are all white 30-40 somethings in Toronto. I’m struggling to figure out why people want to know so much about how to live from this person. OMG.
haha cool story! Yes I must admit, I’m not really on board with taking any sort of life advice from her haha
She just seems vapid and out of touch with everyone.
and just…incredibly self-absorbed.
I’ve waiting for this review! Great to hear your perspective. I agree that it’s an important conversation…she just makes it so boring!
haha YES it’s so true
I keep being drawn to this one but I’m not sure that I’m in the mood for this kind of collection of meandering thoughts. I’ve already read one book that made me want to throw it across the room, not sure I’m ready for another one.
Yes, I’d say pass on this one if you’re not feeling really generous haha
I agree that the previous title was just as apt for this volume.
It’s not the kind of book that makes me want to rush to read it, but I do wonder if, had the same kind of book been written by a man, whether it wouldn’t be receiving more “earth-shattering”, “brilliant” and “brave” than “self-absorbed” and “indulgent”.
How was the discussion in your book group? I can imagine that going either terrifically or terribly! 🙂
haha it went really well! People were very open about their background, why or why they didn’t have kids, the various pressures they faced, etc. And that’s a very interesting point-what if a man did write this book???
I would go so far as to say it was a “brave” book to write. I thought she wrote a lot of things that most people just think and don’t say. And I think the book is a good conversation starter.
Good point about women who don’t have the luxury of choosing – I wonder how they’d feel about this book?
yes that’s a good question-sadly I don’t think many of those women will ever get a chance to read a book like this!